The 30^th annual MASHOUT took place August 17-20 at a virgin location, Fort Royale Farm in Bedford PA. It didn't remain a virgin for long, as dozens of us soiled it with our demon seed.

Several folks arrived on Wednesday. I wasn't there that day, but I heard it was quite a show, with Grover leading the shenanigans. For further details, see Pennsylvania judicial case # 57634857.

I arrived around noon on Thursday. I was told that only 130 folks had signed up this year. A number of factors were involved, including the upcoming solar eclipse that some people had traveled south to see, BURPOUT (which some BURPers go to in lieu of MASHOUT), and the fact that CRABS scares normal people away.

It was warm and very humid. The site was beautiful, tucked in the mountains with lots of greenery.

There was lots of space for camping, but not all in one area. There were some wooded sites, and also a big open field. CRABS camped in one of the wooded areas in order to shield the straights from having to see or smell us. We spent the afternoon doing what we do best: drinking, eating, and being stupid. Food consisted mainly of various meats, plus my healthy seafood salad, which some people actually ate. Go figure. Our Mini Keg Row had about 10 beers. Rob S. provided a beer that both blew and sucked.

Keg Row had dozens of beers. A guy from Flying Dog brought a game called Can Jam, where teams of two throw a Frisbee at a large can and try to get it in or at least hit it. The thrower's teammate can assist by smacking the Frisbee toward the can. That wasn't the only can smacking that went on either.

The evening started with our usual Bible study, as well as more meat, several moonshines from Wootown, and Buck's seafood chowder. We then drank at Keg Row for several hours. Dominic provided music from his phone with two powerful speakers. Several of us danced on the stage. It was still warm and muggy so some of us were topless, causing a number of spectators to go blind. After that we went back to Camp CRABS and drank into the wee hours.

Friday. After a few visits to the port-o-potties I thought about using the shower facility provided by the MASHOUT committee, but they were charging $5, so I opted not to, because I'm both disgusting and cheap.

Grover was the first one at Camp CRABS because he slept most of Thursday. Other folks trickled in, like a stream of hooker pee, until we were all there eating and drinking breakfast. Dominic provided music from dead musical artists. It was still warm and muggy, and the insects were more annoying than Justin Bieber's shirtless selfies. It rained, making the place more humid than Kellyanne Conway's hoo-ha when she gets a chance to defend Drumpf.

Pete and Repete			Sleeping Ugly

By the way, Keg Row was more like Keg Crescent because it was almost as curved as Repete's shmekel.

The weather cleared up just in time for the 9^th annual Sour Hour, which started at noon on the stage. There were dozens of sour and funky commercial beers and homebrews, as well as food. Meanwhile on the adjacent small stage, Fagner and his entourage of pole smokers played poker.

Deep FryDay didn't happen, partly because the food-beer pairing was moved an hour earlier than usual, and partly because we were too drunk to care. We threw more unneeded food and beer at ourselves at the food-beer pairing.

After that I napped until dusk so I can't tell you what went on other than my butt was sore when I woke up and Grover was wearing a big grin. The weather cooled down and I actually put a shirt on for the first time that weekend. Dominic's band Black Falls played two spectacular sets of rhythm and blues on the stage, with Shirtless Ron accompanying them on bongos. A bunch of us danced. Afterward several folks jammed, with Greg from Dominic's band on guitar, Kelly on harmonica, and Hangin' Tough on kazoo. It was a late night as many of us stayed up until after 2 and even Fagner made it past midnight, which he hadn't done since MASHOUT XII.

	Didn't spill a drop!

Saturday. A truck came and serviced the port-o-potties. And not a moment too soon. On a related note, Shithouse showed up. Finally we had a professional brewer in our midst. He had quit Duclaw a year earlier and was now the head brewer at 3 Stars Brewing. We had breakfast and went to Keg Row for a while.

Then we went back to Camp CRABS for Deep Fry Saturday. This replaced Deep FryDay. Among the items that got fried were Oreos, hot dogs, onion rings, bacon, peanut butter + banana sandwiches, "bruexenatas" (Joel's empanada-like creation), chicken, jalapeños, strawberry cheesecake, mac + cheese bacon bites, and smoked gouda + mushrooms.

At the same time folks made their dishes for the CRABS food competition. This year's theme: ground meat.

Entries were evaluated by an experienced panel of judges, and by "experienced" I mean "available".

The winners were:

5^th place - Rob K. (beef stroganoff)
4^th place - Craig B. (sliders)
3^rd place - Craig + Rachel (lamb hummus bites)
2^nd place - Chewy (Scotch quail eggs)
1^st place - Les (lamb kebobs)

Then the big beers came out. Since not everyone was there, we decided to do some beers now and some after dinner, although most of them came out now.

1. 3 Stars Technicolor Life (DIPA with Mosaic hops and lupulin powder)
2. Adirondack Ancient Old Ale
3. Hardywood Peach Tripel
4. Don's DIPA
5. Ben and Dominic's hoppy brown ale
6. Duclaw Double Naked Fish
7. Unibroue Fin du Monde
8. Goose Island Winter Ale
9. Avery Imperial Stout
10. Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA (2014)
11. Troegs Scratch Series Imperial Stout
12. Troegs Flying Mouflan
13. Dogfish Head Old School
14. Brooklyn Black Ops (2014)
15. Founders Lizard of Koz
16. Heavy Seas 20-Year Storm (2015)
17. Boulder Killer Penguin (2013)
18. De Halve Maan Straffe Hendrik Tripel
19. Unibroue Maudite
20. Triple Crossing Clever Girl
21. Alchemist Beelzebub Imperial Stout
22. Ben's gueuze
23. Schlafly Batch 40004 (ginger lime bourbon barrel golden ale)
24. Schlafly Baltic Porter
25. Verhaeghe Duchesse de Bourgogne
26. Don's black DIPA
27. Cascade Sang du Chêne
28. Pike Brewing XXXXX Stout
29. Westmalle Tripel

We then stuffed ourselves at the community dinner. I accidentally dropped the food dish I'd brought, spilling half of it onto the ground. No matter. The remaining half barely got touched since there was so much other food. It rained for a while, then cleared and brought us a rainbow.

D'oh!

After that it was back to Camp CRABS for bad jokes and more beer:

1. Abita Imperial Stout
2. Eastlake DIPA
3. 3 Stars Peppercorn Triple
4. Breckenridge Twenty-Five
5. Union Chessie

Shortly before midnight Craig and Rachel cooked bacon and bratwurst, because the 41,563 pounds of food we'd eaten that weekend just wasn't enough. And Hangin' Tough found true love with Pete.

Sunday. We packed up our stuff (most of which was wet), said good-bye, and went home to dry out our tents and our livers.

Some memorable quotes from the weekend:

• "My sausage isn't getting hot enough."
• "I come for the beer but I stay for the diarrhea."
• "You know it's a good MASHOUT when your jaws are hurting."
• "I love it when your beard rubs against my balls."
• "It's men like you that keep me from ever going gay."
• "I just put it in my pants."
• "Anything you can hang your meat in is okay with me."
• "I don't wanna hold this thing."