I vaguely remember that MASHOUT took place last weekend. Most of it is a fog, but thanks to my little hand-held device (I'm referring to my tape recorder), I am able to report much of what went on, although not all of it because there were several points at which I am not able to hear what I said because some loudmouths were yelling in the background. Damn those non-CRABS people.

The 2006 MASHOUT featured all the great things we have come to expect at this event: beer, food, camaraderie, and sodomy. And when you have the last one, who needs the other three?

A lot of folks arrived Thursday and I didn't get there til Friday, so I missed the chili and the orgy, so someone else might want to report on those activities.

My buddies Marty and Mike and I checked in at the registration tent, which for some reason involved dropping our pants and a rubber glove. It reminded me of when I was a senator's aide. Anyway, we were treated to some Brewers Alley Oatmeal Stout and Dogfish Head Shelter Pale Ale before pitching our tents, and when I say "pitching our tents" I mean setting up our sleeping quarters, not gay sex; that came later. It was quite a task pounding the stakes into the ground. No wonder they call the area Rocky Gap. The ground was harder than a priest's shmekel at a Cub Scout meeting.

After setting up our tents we blew up our inflatables, and here I am referring to air mattresses. Then we drank some homebrew and a Leffe before setting out in search of beer.

Incidentally, we camped next to Jim Kelly of the Star City Brewers, who won the MASHOUT homebrew competition the following day with his German keller bier (German for "cellar beer"). He had it flowing through a mini jockey box. He also had a stout.

At the CRABS site, Jim and various other fags were playing poker in the woods, and since this has become a tradition, I think next year we should advertise it with a sign under the CRABS banner that says, "Liquor in front, poker in the rear."

CRABS's Mini Keg Row overflowed with good beer. There was 2005 Devil's Milk. Someone had a "Death and Taxes" 80 shilling. There was an American wheat and an American brown. Art's peach ale was definitely the best CRABS beer. He has a peach tree on his farm. In May he harvests the green peaches, quarters them, pulls out the pits, and throws the quarters in the boil, skins and all. They're too sour to eat (I will refrain from ex-wife humor here) but they add a nice flavor. Will brought a hefeweizen-wit hybrid, with coriander and ginger, which was very good. We also tasted Rob's cream. Uh, cream ale. (Sorry, I was thinking of last year.)

Frank had a rye and Bob had his nice and hoppy Moral Decay IPA, but I forget if they were in keg or bottle.

Next to us was a site that called themselves Camp Belch. They had a raspberry wheat, an American brown, and a Berliner weisse with woodruff and other syrups to go with it. They also had a fully stocked bar: Bacardi, Jose Cuervo, El Jimador, Bombay Sapphire gin, Maker's Mark whisky, vermouth, Irish moonshine, and a few single malt scotches, because, as you know, beer alone never gets us drunk enough.

Over at Brian's site we had his saison, his sour ale (made with the 9-strain solera that I had passed on to him from Ron Kodlick), and one of my saisons. We also opened some Saison Dupont, Foret (another great beer from Dupont), Orval, and Allagash Triple. Then, to top even those world-class beers, we had a bottle of Jolly Pumpkin Gold Ale, which had Brettanomyces that gave it a splendid tart flavor.

Jim tapped a firkin of Old Flame, which was nice and malty and woody. (Heh heh. I said "woody".)

I hope you got to try Dave Pyle's gueuze. He and his wife Becky, who were camped not far from CRABS, are the BURPers who won Best of Show in the 2005 AHA homebrew competition out of more than a thousand entries. They have some 60-gallon cask fermenters with a blend of microbes that makes excellent sour ales. This gueuze was very sour, with acetic acid dominating the profile. Also, someone had a hefeweizen hooked up to the same jockey box.

Scott (aka Timothy McVeigh) led us through the woods to a field that has a spectacular mountain view, kind of like you'd see in The Sound of Music. And what did he lead us up there to see? A turd. That's right. Earlier he had laid some intestinal sculpture, and he was actually proud of it. Can you believe that shit? My god that thing was huge. It looked like an oktoberfest pretzel. But it wasn't as salty. One end still had a dent in it from Jim's dick.

Then it was time for the Friday night tasting. I was already soused from trying almost 30 beers, but I wasn't gonna let something inconsequential like my health keep me from participating in cultural activities such as passing out. I'm sure the following list is inaccurate, but it's all I could decipher from the audiotape:

There was also some food, which I think was mostly meats and salads, but could have been cicadas and tofu for all I remember.

Background music was provided by Radio Mosaic, who was playing down at the barn.

By the way, Jim left the tasting early to pass out. I won't reveal what Grover and Milhouse did to him, but let's just say he'll never sleep on his stomach again.

We all headed down for the Death March. On the way someone stuck a cigarette in my mouth. Now, in case you're thinking that it wasn't a cigarette, but something else white and tubular, probably put there by Milhouse, remember that Jim had already taken care of him. Anyway, my retina-burning flashlight was about as well-received as Osama bin Laden at a bar-mitzvah. Kara took my flashlight away. I returned the favor by grabbing her headlights. Eventually she gave it to me. She also returned my flashlight. 20 minutes later we finished the loop at Keg Row, scaring nobody as usual, except when Grover tried to show a 10-year-old how to start a siphon.

I can't remember what went on afterward at the CRABS site. Apparently my head was bobbing like Lindsay Lohan in the back of a limo. Milhouse helped me back to my tent. That shows what a nice person he is, so I want all of you to stop creating the vicious rumors and Web sites about him.

Saturday morning I felt okay, except I had a little bit of a headache and my ass was sore. Apparently Jim hadn't taken care of Milhouse after all.

At 7 AM Marty, Mike and I started drinking. One site had two beer engines, with a pale ale and something else (possibly an altbier). We found a kolsch, a california common, and a rye beer. The FOAM site had a double IPA, a pale ale, a cider, and Barley and Hops Weissbier. At the CRABS site there were some new beers: a dunkel, a saison, and a Scottish ale. Either that or I had missed them the day before. Down near keg row the brewer from Clipper City brought Red Skies at Night (a saison), as well as Blue Point Brewing's Hoptical Illusion.

Finally I started drinking at Keg Row for the first time all weekend. Victory had their Prima Pils. Duclaw had two beers: Berserker, an oak barrel-aged Baltic porter; and Venom, which had blown. (No, I don't mean "blown" as in what Jim had done Friday afternoon to get back some of his poker losings. I mean the keg was emptier than Janet Reno's rocket socket.) Jim Busch had a pils bock and a pale ale. Joel had a smoked porter, an 80-shilling export, and a hefeweizen. Rob's chocolate blackberry wheat had kicked the day before. Grover's "Sludge" was a mixture of an 80-shilling and his butt coffee. Milhouse had his "Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana" hefeweizen. Mark had a saison. Franklin's had three beers: Anarchy Ale, a wheat and a helles lager. Brewer's Art had their Resurrection and Ozzy. Mountain State Brewing had their Miner's Daughter's Stout. Gordon Biersch had a Czech lager. There was a nut brown, a blonde, an IPA, an ESB, and a stout. Les had a kolsch. There was a hefeweizen and a sour (probably by accident) pale ale. A porter flowed from a tap with a very nice wooden handle carved into the shape of a dolphin. Someone in CRABS had an "Irish reddish brown". There was a beer called You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Red Rye-der Alt. There was also a root beer. At the far end were bottles of Pilsner Urquell, Strongbow Cider, and O'Hara's Irish Stout.

A third of the Keg Row beers were brought by CRABS folks. This was in addition to our Mini Keg Row and all the other beers we brought. Just goes to show how stunningly awesome we are. Now, I'm not being conceited here. It's just that we're better than everyone else.

After a few hours at Keg Row with various CRABS hooligans I went to Dave Pyle's site for his "gueuzemosa", which was a keg of his gueuze that had some orange juice mixed in.

Before I knew it, it was time for the big beer tasting. The first half featured a selection of about 7 beers and some foods to be paired with them. You see? We're not just a bunch of racists and homophobes – we're a bunch of fat, drunk racists and homophobes. Anyhoo, here's the most comprehensive list of what we drank that I can muster:

The Saturday night feast was the colon-filling experience it has always been. We ate corn, pork, shrimp, pasta, brownies, cookies, and other stuff that eventually found its way into the port-o-potties.

After more mayhem a bunch of us gathered to tell jokes. Jim had passed out already, so the jokes were good for a change. Then we watched some Chappelle's Show. There wasn't a dry pair of underwear within a 20-foot radius.

Sunday brought more great weather. BURP provided, as usual, an assortment of breakfast foods: pancakes, juice, bacon, fruit, and other stuff. There was a bottle of Cantillon Gueuze too. We packed up and left, bringing another MASHOUT to an end. Some of us stopped at Rocky Gap Park to swim and shower.

Thanks to Joel, Milhouse, Les, Art, and whoever else organized and cooked for the Saturday beer/food tasting.

Congratulations to the CRABS folks (I forget who they were) who won the MASHOUT beer trivia contest. It was an easy win because only CRABS people could have known the answer to question #3, "Who has been Duclaw's only homosexual brewer?"

The title "Assrot" has been transferred to Keith. Ask anyone who came within ten feet of him why.